Red Flags to Look Out for if Your Kids Are on Social Media

By Lauren Adlam, Creator of Zown

Social media has become a way of life for most, and like it or loathe it, doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. It has its strengths and its flaws, and as parents, it is up to us to help, to educate and monitor our children’s use of social media so that it can enhance rather than hinder their lives.

 

Most social media apps have a minimum age gate of 13 years old, but we all know that this is easy to get around.  Some experts are suggesting that age gate is increased to 16 years however for many, that horse has already bolted. I’d prefer communication to be 100% in person, however social media is an important form of connection for many tweens and teens, and restricting it too much can lead to social exclusion and isolation. 

 

Behaviours resulting from online interactions are often a combination of things happening in real life also. No one knows your child better than you do. Concerned? You’re probably right!  

 

 

Are they replacing ‘in real life’ activities with social media?

 

It’s easy to fall down an online rabbit hole – or a term I recently heard ‘a scroll hole.’ It’s up to us as parents to keep an eye on this and to encourage (insist!) that they have time away from their screens, and from social media to interact in real life. 

 

Encourage community sport or other hobbies where screens are not involved. Get fresh air. Give chores (win win!). Time poor parents may not always be able to prioritise extracurricular activities or spending time in nature, however we must facilitate fun times away from devices, encouraging creative thinking, relationship building and mindfulness.  

 

Despite their protests, kids like boundaries. Discuss the balance between time online, using their imagination, doing schoolwork, spending time with family etc.  Parents must role model this also.  Show kids it is great to catch up with people face to face and put our own phones down when interacting with others.

 

Are they more moody than usual? 

 

This can be hard to ascertain, especially as teenage hormones kick in. Key is to look at patterns and changes in overall behaviour, language, and interactions.  Is your child more defensive? Are they angry or scared? These can be signs that your child is out of their depth online. They may have seen explicit content that they can’t unsee. They may have engaged with conversation that has gone further than they would have liked and are feeling uncomfortable. 

 

Open communication is key in this scenario, so that your child can feel safe to talk to you about these situations. They need to know they are not going to be punished or judged and that you are there to help – no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

 

Depending on the scenario, it may be necessary to involve the eSafety Commission or the Police. Just because the interaction took place online does not make it OK.

 

We also recommend mandatory privacy settings. No child should have a public account where they are able to openly interact with members of the public. A recent webinar described the trend of parents ‘over protecting in real life, yet under protecting online, allowing them to explore digitally without restrictions.’ Whilst privacy settings are not perfect, it’s important you know the destinations your child is visiting to allow you to make a judgement call on their safety.  We recommend parent approvals of app downloads for this reason also – apps are being developed rapidly and parents must determine their safety before their child uses it. 

 

Are they aggressive when you ask them to switch off from social media?

 

This is a definite red flag that indicates they are becoming addicted to social media. They need it for the dopamine hits – the likes, the acceptance, the frequency of messages, the FOMO.

 

We suggest agreed limits and boundaries around time, both in terms of total amount of minutes usage each day or week and times of day. Not too close to bedtime, not until after homework and chores have been completed etc. Most devices allow this to be pre-programed which takes the battle out of the conversation, however, don’t forget kids are savvy – they may have a workaround.

 

Also provide other opportunities for enjoyment – social interactions with friends and family, community engagement and opportunities for creativity and problem solving. Time online is too easy for kids, they don’t need to think and can simply click to something different if they are losing interest, again providing that dopamine hit.

 

 

Are they changing the way they interact with family?  Using different language for example?

This is a good indication they are spending too much time with groups online that may be changing their behaviours undesirably. 

 

Parents should always know their child’s passwords and be freely able to check online activity. It’s not about parents not trusting their children, it’s about keeping them safe online. A great idea on devices where appropriate is to set your fingerprint as one of the saved methods of opening the device so that you can check, regardless of if they change their passcode.

 

 

 Are they posting for likes and clicks?

 

This is a massive red flag as they are likely to post risky content and overshare information that may compromise safety. Kids need to consider their digital footprint and any links to their ‘real life’ before they post online. They should not share where they live or the school they go to, as this is an opportunity for predators to engage in conversation and develop trust with your child.

 

Once again, spot checks will help identify this. I insist I am friends with my kids on the social media apps they are using. Not only does it give me visibility of how these apps work, but it also makes them think twice BEFORE they post. 

 

While on the topic, the same goes for what parents post online of their kids. Do you have their consent, and that of any other children or their parents who appear in photos? Digital footprints stay for life.

 

Manners apply just as much online as in real life. It’s easy for kids to feel safe behind a screen, particularly with apps like SnapChat where messages ‘disappear.’ Anything can be screen shot, misconstrued, or misunderstood. I remind my kids to ask themselves 3 questions: “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” If the answer is no to any of those questions, it should not be said, nor typed nor shared.

 

 

Is social media impacting their sleep?

 

Sleep is SO important for kids of all ages, and at no point in time should social media replace sleep time. 

 

Phones should be charged out of bedrooms to ensure they are not being interrupted overnight, nor tempted to post if they wake up.  Again, boundaries are important!

 

 

 Do they / you know who they are interacting with?

 

Online impersonation and predatory behaviours are unfortunately a very real thing. It is not unusual for sexual predators to pose as tween or teen kids to ‘friend’ other kids. By asking a few seemingly innocent questions, information can be gleaned.

 

Privacy settings once again are mandatory, and this is again a great opportunity to sit with your child and go through their friends list to see if / how they know their social media ‘friends.’ Talk openly about who you follow online and how they make you feel. Encourage your child to curate their feeds often. If content is not making them feel good – unfollow! 

 

 

Are they being secretive?

If your child is always hiding when on their device – or switching off an app when you walk past – it’s a definite red flag! Have rules around where your child can use their devices. It is impossible to monitor this 24/7 and I know in our household, this became very difficult during Covid when everyone was home and learning took place in bedrooms. Ultimately you want to be able to hear / see what they are doing on their devices, and this can lead to conversations. If they are being secretive – what are they hiding from you?

 

 

The parenting journey feels like a constant battle and it’s so important that our kids know we are only doing this because we love them, care for them, and their safety is our number one priority. Social media has some great elements to it in terms of social connection and access to groups of like-minded kids. They can connect to people globally, understand different cultures and connect with their heroes – be it musicians, actors, sports stars, or YouTubers. None of this is without risk, but with the right boundaries in place and open communication, social media can be a healthy part of kids’ lives – IF we always realise it does not replace relationships in real life.

 

All of this is exactly why I created Zown – a safe space for kids online full of positivity, good news, and resources to help them thrive (including great advice on digital literacy and safety).  Zown exists to be an antidote to social media, a place where kids can feel good about the world and their place in it. To find out more and to check out our parent portal, visit www.zown.app.

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